Join Mike Heath for a hilarious night of stand-up comedy with “Gluten Free Black Belt.” Laugh out loud with unique humor and relatable stories!
Mastering Laughter Without the Gluten: A Hilarious Journey with Mike Heath
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Mastering Laughter Without the Gluten: A Hilarious Journey with Mike Heath
Go ahead and uh make some noise if you married into money. All right. Okay. The rest of one person is doing well. Yeah. The rest of y’all are so poor. And I get it. I smelled you when I walked up here. Yeah. So, I get it though. I didn’t marry into money either. I just married into gluten intolerance, which I think is the.
Opposite of marrying into money. So, all my favorite foods just got twice as expensive and half as good. Now, my wife and I were always fighting, you know, are we going to eat gluten-free pizza or am I going to be happy? And I’m not. But she is. You know, I say happy wife, happy life, or in my case,.
Gluten-free pizza, regular bowel movement wife. So, she’s got a nice flow. And we do we do fight a lot. Um I don’t like it, but my wife is super good at it and I’m a feminist, so I start a lot of fights. And our biggest fight was right before we got married. Uh she didn’t want any kids at.
Our wedding because they ruined the party or something. Like that’s crazy. Like how can that be true? Because then tell me why did my parents invite me to their wedding when I was only one month old? Dude, I was at the wedding saying to myself, if it wasn’t for me, there wouldn’t even be this.
Party. Ruined the party, dude. I was the life of that party. I puked seven times at that party, dude. I was naked for a whole hour. I danced with 30 different women that all that night. Okay. All of them asked me. Okay. They put me in the middle of the dance circle. I was doing the worm or something. I think I won a.
Competition. I was tearing it up until I passed out after my fifth bottle. Yeah. I was gone. The groom actually had to carry me out of there. Yeah. I couldn’t even drive home. Yeah. had to get a ride home from the mother of the bride. Real sweet woman actually. She like tucked me into bed, sent me a lullabi. She sends me a Christmas card.
Every year. That is my grandmother. If you got lost in that, I know that was it was a lot. It was a lot happening there. Um I actually um did end up winning that fight and we invited some kids to our wedding and they did ruin the party. They were a bunch of nerds. Yeah.
No, it’s hard being a kid. I get it. Um, you get embarrassed about stuff. Like I remember, uh, the first time I was embarrassed about being poor was in the third grade, uh, when my buddy Gerald, they were still naming kids Gerald in the ‘9s. Gerald was like, uh, Mike, can I get some lunch money? I forgot mine. And.
I said, you pay for your lunch? He’s like, “Yeah, Mike, there’s no such thing as free lunch.” I said, ‘Well, there is when you’re as poor as me. I don’t have any money, but I do have some shame. Government subsidized shame. Would you like some of that? I sure don’t. Yeah. I wish I would have liked.
To because my mom was the lunch lady. Like, I could have just been like, “Dude, we’re not getting free lunch because we’re poor. This is just a part of her benefit package. Your mom’s got a 401k. My mom has got free broccoli, dude. No, I we we were poor. I think it’s because we um probably spent too much.
Money on my taekwond do classes. Yeah, I guess I was getting bullied a lot. Like, put some self-defense on this man. No, we did u we did pay a lot of money for it. I’m pretty sure it was a scam though because we met in the back room of a State Farm agency. They were like a monthly like bundle discount or something. I don’t.
Know. But uh I do have the belt. Um I’m not wearing it tonight. Um yeah, my mom told me I had to stop doing that, so I gave her a roundhouse kick to the face. Check that mom. No, I I don’t remember much uh to be honest. I only remember this one move. Um, and it’s if you’re getting robbed and so you.
May need it tonight when you all come, but I’ll give this to you free of charge. Uh, so this is what happens. So if you’re getting robbed, you grab the asalant by the shoulders and you knead them in the abdomen. Works every time. And then Master Brian said, “But never do that to a pregnant woman.
Because you will kill the baby.” And my buddy Gerald was like, “Uh, Master Brian.” Are there a lot of pregnant women robbing sixth graders? It’s a fair question. I actually don’t remember what he said, but I have been deathly afraid of pregnant.
Women since that day. He said like a bunch of crazy stuff to he was a wild guy. Like cuz at night he was a taekwond do master but by day he was a corn farmer. So we never knew if the wisdom he was dropping was like Koreanbased wisdom or cornbased wisdom. Like he had this one saying he would always say like in the middle of form, he’d be like,.
“Gentlemen, life is like a tractor. I don’t have one.” I’ve been Mikey. Thank you guys. One more time for my peace.
